(mr philip beaufoy, palefaced, stands in the witnessbox, in accurate morning dress, outbreast pocket with peak of handkerchief ing, creased lavender trousers and patent boots. he cames a lace portfolio labelled matcham's masterstrokes.)beaufoy (drawls.) no, you aren't, not by a long shot if i know it. i don't see it, that's all. no born gentleman, no one with the most rudimentary promptings of a gentleman would stoop to such particularly loathsome conduct. one of those, my lord. a plagiarist. a soapy sneak masquerading as a literateur. it's perfectly obvious that with the most inherent baseness he has cribbed some of my bestselling books, really gorgeous stuff, a perfect gem, the love passages in which are beneath suspicion. the beaufoy books of love and great possessions with which your lordship is doubtless familiar, are a household word throughout the kingdom.
bloom (murmurs with hangdog meekness.) that bit about the laughing witch hand in hand i take exception to, if i may... ?
beaufoy (his lip upcurled, smiles superciliously on the court.) you funny ass, you! you're too beastly awfully weird for words! i don't think you need over excessively disincommodate yourself in that regard. my literary agent mr j. b. pinker is in attendance. i presume, my lord, we shall receive the usual witnesses' fees, shan't we? we are considerably out of pocket over this bally pressman johnny, this jackdaw of rheims, who has not even been to a university.
bloom (indistinctly.) university of life. bad art.
beaufoy (shouts.) it's a damnably foul lie ing the moral rottenness of the man! (he extends his portfolio.) we have here damning evidence, the corpus delicti, my lord, a specimen of my maturer work disfigured by the hallmark of the beast.
a voice from the gallery
moses, moses, king of the jews,
wiped his arse in the daily news.
bloom (bravely.) overdrawn.
beaufoy you low cad! you ought to be ducked in the horsepond, you rotter! (to the court.) why, look at the man's private life! leading a quadruple existence! street angel and house devil. not fit to be mentioned in mixed society. the arch conspirator of the age.