'Yes,' he answered, 'for I believed you my friend.' At that moment Ifelt myself inferior to Mongenod, so sublime did he seem to me as he said those grand words.'Did I not speak to you frankly,' he said, 'in this very room? I came to you, Alain, as the only person who would really understand me.I told you that fifty louis would be lost, but a hundred I could return to you.I did not bind myself by saying when;for how could I know the time at which my long struggle with disaster would end? You were my last friend.All others, even our old master Bordin, despised me for the very reason that I borrowed money of them.
Oh! you do not know, Alain, the dreadful sensation which grips the heart of an honest man when, in the throes of poverty, he goes to a friend and asks him for succor,--and all that follows! I hope you never may know it; it is far worse than the anguish of death.You have written me letters which, if I had written them to you in a like situation, you would have thought very odious.You expected of me that which it was out of my power to do.But you are the only person to whom I shall try to justify myself.In spite of your severity, and though from being a friend you became a creditor on the day when Bordin asked for my note on your behalf (thus abrogating the generous compact you had made with me there, on that spot, when we clasped hands and mingled our tears),--well, in spite of all that, I have remembered that day, and because of it I have come here to say to you, You do not know misery, therefore do not judge it.I have not had one moment when I could answer you.Would you have wished me to come here and cajole you with words? I could not pay you; I did not even have enough for the bare necessities of those whose lives depended on me.
My play brought little.A novice in theatrical ways, I became a prey to musicians, actors, journalists, orchestras.To get the means to leave Paris and join my family, and carry to them the few things they need, I have sold "Les Peruviens" outright to the director, with two other pieces which I had in my portfolio.I start for Holland without a sou; I must reach Flushing as best I can; my voyage is paid, that is all.Were it not for the pity of my landlady, who has confidence in me, I should have to travel on foot, with my bag upon my back.But, in spite of your doubts of me, I, remembering that without you I never could have sent my wife and father-in-law to New York, am forever grateful to you.No, Monsieur Alain, I shall not forget that the hundred louis d'or you lent me would have yielded you to-day fifteen hundred francs a year.' 'I desire to believe you, Mongenod,' I said, shaken by the tone in which he made this explanation.'Ah, you no longer say /monsieur/ to me!' he said quickly, with a tender glance.