第一章
The Clever Servant
Long time ago, there was a rich old man who loved wine and good food over everything else. And he had a servant who loved drinking and eating as much as his master did. Each time the rich old man went out, he helped himself to the bottles of wine and all the nice food. Of course, the rich man knew who did it and was displeased. But he could do nothing about it because he had never caught his servant drinking his wine and eating his food.
One day the old man was invited to dinner at the home of one of his friends. He did not know what to do with the wine, meat and chicken he had just bought. Certainly he could not leave them to the servant. In the end he had an idea. He called up the servant and said to him: “I’ll be away for the whole evening, and I’ll leave you to look after house. In the cupboard there are two bottles filled with poison. Be careful about it. You’ll be killed if you take even a drop of it, there is also some meat and chicken in the cupboard. Take care of them.” With these words the rich man left home.
As soon as the master turned his back, the servant opened the cupboard and began to enjoy all the nice things in it. He emptied two bottles and ate up the meat, the chicken and everything else found in the cupboard. He was satisfied and soon fell asleep.
At midnight the rich old man returned home. He looked into the cupboard and, to his great surprised, all his wine and food were gone. He was mad with anger and called the servant up.
“Oh, Master,” the servant began before the old man could open his mouth. “While you were away, the neighbor’s lack cat stole into our kitchen and ate up everything in the cupboard. I knew you would be very angry with me. I was so afraid that I drank the two bottles of poison to kill myself.” There were even tears in the servant’s eyes. “Oh, Master,” he continued, “Please don’t get angry with a dying man. I’ll soon be dead.”
The rich old man, of course, did not believe a word of his story. But again, he could do nothing about it.
聰明的仆人
很久以前，有個富人貪酒好食，勝過於其它一切。他有一個仆人，也和主人一樣好吃好喝。每當富人外出時，他隻好把酒和食物藏起來。可是每次這個仆人都能找到它們並擅自把好酒好菜全部偷吃偷喝了。富人當然知道是誰幹的，所以，很不高興。但是，因為他從來沒有抓住過他仆人偷吃偷喝的把柄，所以他對此也不好怎麼辦。
一天，富人被邀到他朋友家赴宴。他不知道怎麼處理剛剛買回來的酒、肉、雞等。當然，他也不能把它們留給他的仆人，於是他想出了一個主意。他把仆人叫來對他說：
“我今天整晚不在家，留下你好好看家。在食櫥裏有兩瓶裝滿了毒藥的酒，小心點別碰它。你沾上一滴就會要你的命的。在食櫥裏還有一些肉和雞，也要注意有毒。”說完這個富人就走了。
主人一轉身出門，仆人就打開食櫥開始享用裏麵的美味佳肴。他喝光了兩瓶酒，吃光了肉、雞、和所有能在食櫥裏找到的東西。吃飽喝足之後，他就開始睡著了。
半夜，富人回家來了。他朝食櫥裏一看，大為驚訝，他的酒、食物全沒了。他氣急了，就把仆人叫起來。
“喔，主人，”富人還沒有來得及開口，仆人就開始說了，“你不在家時，鄰居的黑貓溜進了我們的櫥房，吃光了食櫥裏所有的東西。我知道你會很生我的氣。所以我非常害怕，就喝了兩瓶毒藥自殺。”仆人的眼睛裏甚至還噙著眼淚。“喔，主人，” 他繼續說道，“請不要對一個快要死的人發火了。我就要死了。”
富人當然不相信他的假話的一個字，但是，他對此還是毫無辦法。
The Composition Class
The students in the composition class were assigned the task of writing an essay on “the most beautiful thing I ever saw.” The student who, of all the members of the class, seemed the least sensitive to beauty, handed in his paper first with astonishing speed. It was short and to the point. He had written: “The most beautiful thing I ever saw was too beautiful for words.”
作文課
在作文課上，學生被布置寫一篇題為“我所見到過的最美的東西”的文章。在整個班級中看起來對美最不敏感的那個學生用令人吃驚的速度第一個交了卷。這篇作文短而扼要。他寫道：“我所見到過的最美的東西美得無法用語言來表達。
Understanding
Our daughter was filling us in on her date the night before. They had driven to a neighboring city for dinner and a show. When her father asked her where the restaurant was located, she said, “You know, I really can’t tell you. I was enjoying the ride, the company and the scenery, and all of a sudden we were there.”
“I understand perfectly,” her father said. “That’s exactly how your mother and I arrived at middle age!”
理 解
我們的女兒向我們介紹她昨晚和男朋友約會的情況。他們開著車去鄰近的一個城市吃晚飯並看一場演出。當她爸爸問她去的那個飯館在什麼地方時，她說：“您知道，我真的說不出來。我倆一路上親親熱熱地東瞧西望，欣賞路旁的景色，開心極了，一晃就到了那裏。”
“我全知道了，”她爸爸說。“我和你媽媽就是那樣一晃就到了中年了。”
Two Pounds Plums
Mother: I sent my little boy for two pounds of plums and you gave him a pound and a half.
Shopkeeper: My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your little boy?
兩磅李子
母親：我讓小兒子來買兩磅李子，可你隻給了他一磅半。
店主：我們的秤準確無誤，太太。您秤過您的小兒子了嗎？
A Thank-you Letter
“Are you writing a thank-you letter to Grandpa like I told you?”
“Yes, Mum.”
“Your handwriting seems very large.”
“Well, Grandpa’s deaf, so I’m writing very loud.”
感謝信
“你是在按照我說的給爺爺寫信感謝他嗎？”
“是的，媽媽。”
“你的字好像寫得太大了。”
“嗯，爺爺的耳朵不好，所以我寫得大聲點兒。”
Wedding
Mrs. Jones and her little daughter Karen were outside the church watching all the coming and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception and all the excitement was over. Karen said to her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mummy?”
“What do you mean, change her mind? ”asked Mrs. Jones.
“Well,” said the moppet, “She went into the church with one man and came out with another! ”
婚 禮
一場婚禮在教堂舉行，瓊斯夫人和她的小女兒卡倫在教堂外麵看熱鬧。人們照完像後都開著車去參加婚禮宴會了，一切激動的事都結束了，這時卡倫問媽媽：“媽媽，新娘子怎麼變主意了？”
“變主意了？你指的是什麼？”瓊斯夫人問。
“嗯，”孩子說，“她進教堂時和一個男人，出來時又和另一個男人！”
（注：進教堂時新娘由其父親或女家的男子陪伴，出來時則是由新郎陪伴。）
I Taught the Teacher
Mother asked her little boy, “Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?”
“Nothing, Mum,” answered the son proudly, “instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three.”
我教老師
媽媽問她的小兒子：“寶貝兒，今天老師都教你些什麼？”
兒子驕傲地說：“什麼也沒教，媽媽，她反倒問我一加二等於幾，我告訴她是三。”
Who Is the Laziest?
Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?
Tom: I don’t know, father.
Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?
Tom: Our teacher, father.
誰最懶?
父親：哎，湯姆，今天我跟你們老師談過，現在我想問你個問題。你們班上誰最懶？
湯姆：我不知道，爸爸。
父親：啊，不對，你知道！想想看，當別的孩子們都在做作業，寫字時，誰在課堂上坐著，隻是看人家做功課？
湯姆：我們老師，爸爸。
The Father and His Son
Father: You know, Tom, when Lincoln was your age, he was a very good pupil. In fact, he was the best pupil in his class.
Tom: Yes, Father. I know that. But when he was your age, he was President of the United States.
父與子
父親：湯姆，你要知道，當林肯在你這年齡時，他是一個很好的學生。事實上，他是班裏最好的學生。
湯姆：是的，爸爸，我知道。可當他在你這個年齡時，他已是美國總統了。
The result of a Promise
Father: I promised to buy you a car if you passed your examination, and you have failed. What were you doing last term?
Son: I was learning to drive a car.
許諾的結果
父親：“我曾向你許諾，如果你考試及格就給你買倆小汽車，可你卻未能做到。你上學期一直在幹什麼呀？”
兒子：“我在學開汽車。”
Absent-minded Professor
There were three professors at the railway station. They were deep in conversation. The train had just arrived, but they did not notice it. Then the guard shouted, “Take your seats, please!”
The professors heard the guard and rushed for the train. Two of them got on the train before it moved. The third one was left behind. It was Professor Egghead. He looked worried.
One of the professor’s students was at the station. He tried to comfort the professor. “It wasn’t really bad, sir,” said the student. “Two out of three caught the train. That’s quite good, you know.” “I know,” the professor said. “But it was my train. MY friends only came to say goodbye.”
心不在焉的教授
三位教授在火車站的站台上。他們正在聚精會神地談話。火車進站了，他們都沒有發覺。這時列車員喊道：“請上車了！”
教授們聽到喊聲後趕緊向火車跑去，兩位教授剛登上火車，火車就開動了。另一位叫埃哈德的教授沒能趕上。他看上去很著急。
教授的一個學生也在車站等車。他盡力安慰教授，他說：“這還不是很糟，三個人有兩個人上了火車。您要知道這已經不錯了。”教授說：“我知道，可我是來趕火車的，那兩位朋友是來為我送行的。”
An Announcement
Once a Hindu mystic spoke to a group of Boston ladies. In order to show his familiarity with the English language, he announced the death of his mother in the following scrambled metaphor:
“I regret to announce that my beloved mother, the hand which rocked the cradle, has kicked the bucket.”
訃 告
一次，—位印度神秘主義者對波士頓的—些婦女講話。為了顯示他通曉英語，他用下麵胡亂拚湊的比喻宣布了他母親死亡的消息：“我遺憾地宣告，我敬愛的母親、曾經搖過我搖籃的那隻手，已經吹燈撥蠟了。“
Nothing
Once, late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water. The servant did as he was asked. The Englishman re-entered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for a glass of water. The servant brought him another glass of water. Every few minutes the Englishmen would come out of his room and repeat his request. After a half-hour the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water. “Nothing,” the Englishman answered imperturbably, “It’s simply that my room is on fire.”
沒什麼
一天晚上，一個英國人從他住的旅店房間裏走出來。來到走廊上，叫旅店的服務員給他拿一杯水來。服務員按他的要求做了。英國人回到了他的房間裏，幾分鍾後他又來到走廊上，讓服務員再給他送一杯水。服務員又給他送了一杯水。每隔幾分鍾，英國人就走出房間重複他的要求。半小時之後，這位感到驚訝的服務員決定問問房客要這些水幹什麼，英國人不慌不忙地回答：“沒什麼，隻不過是我的房間裏起火了。”
Class, Lass and Ass
Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: “Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow.”