“Well,I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,\" replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these,and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks,“Do you have a pill for math?\"
The pharmacist says,“Wait just a moment\",and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
“I have to take that huge pill for math?\" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied,“Well,you know...math always was a little hard to swallow.\"
知識藥片
在一個較為高級的人類社會中，已經能夠將基礎知識融入藥片中。
一個需要些知識的學生到藥房詢問是否有某些知識的藥片。藥劑師說：“這兒是一片英國文學藥片。”那學生吞下了藥片，於是就擁有了關於英國文學的知識。
“你還有什麼別的嗎?”學生問。
“當然，還有藝術史，生物和世界曆史的，”藥劑師回答。
那學生要了這些藥片，吞下後又擁有了有關這些課題的這知識。
接著那學生問：“有數學藥片嗎?”
藥劑師說：“稍等片刻，”便回倉庫拿來了一片特大的藥片扔在櫃台上。
“我要吃這麼大一塊數學藥片嗎?”學生問。
藥劑師回答道：“這個嘛，你知道的——數學總沒那麼容易生吞活咽。”
25 How to Get a Seat by the Fire
Mr.Brown came to an inn on a very cold day,and could get no room near the fire.
He called to the hostler to fetch a peck of oysters,and give them to his horse.
“Will your horse eat oysters?\" said the hostler.
\"Try him,\" said Mr.Brown.
Immediately the people ran to see this wonder,and Mr.Brown who alone remained in the room,chose the best seat by the fire and made himself comfortable.
怎樣在火爐旁找個好座位
在一個寒冷的冬日，布朗先生來到一家小客棧，發現火爐旁邊已經沒有空位了。
於是，他讓旅店的馬夫去拿些牡蠣來喂他的馬。
“您的馬吃牡蠣嗎?”馬夫問道。
“你試著喂喂吧。”布郎先生回答。
頃刻間，人們都跑去看這一奇觀，而布朗先生卻獨自呆在屋裏，他在火爐旁找了個最好的座位，舒舒服服地坐在那兒取暖了。
26 Two Smart Blind Men
One dark night,two blind men were going home from work.“I need to buy some socks,\" said one of them suddenly.“Letu0027s stop at the shop on the corner.\"
“OK,\" replied the other. “I think Iu0027ll buy two or three pairs myself too.\"
In the shop,the shop-assistant asked them.“What size do you wear, sir,and what color would you like?\"
“Size eleven.Give me one pair of black socks and two pairs of white,please,\" answered one of them.
“And you,sir?\" the shop assistant asked the other customer.
“The same for me. I wear size eleven,too. So,same color, same number,\" said the second blind man.
A moment later they were back in the dark streets，each man with the socks he had bought.But just then,a boy riding a bicycle bumped into them.And what do you think happened?
The blind men dropped all the socks on the ground! All the six pairs—black and white all mixed up. The boy quickly apologized and left.The two blind men picked up all the socks,but could not tell which were black and which were white.How could they be sure that cach of them got one pair of black socks and two pairs of white? They tried to ask for help.But there was no one else in the streets so —what could they do?
One of them soon found a solution.Can you guess what it was?
They separated each pair of socks and both took one sock from each pair.When they got home,each of them had two black socks and four white ones of the same size—just what they wanted. Werenu0027t they smart?
兩個聰明的盲人
一個黑暗的夜晚，兩個盲人下了班回家。“我得買一些襪子，”其中一個人突然說。“我們在街角那家店停一下吧。”
“好，”另一個盲人說。”我想我也要買兩三雙。”
到了店裏店員問他們，“您穿多大的尺碼，先生。要什麼顏色的?”
“我穿十一碼。請給我一雙黑的和兩雙白的。”
“您呢，先生?”
“我也一樣。我也穿十一碼。所以尺寸、顏色、數量都跟他一樣吧。”第二個盲人說。
過了一會兒，兩個盲人又到街上來了，每個人手裏拿著剛買的襪子。可是，正在這時，來了一個騎自行車的青年，把他們撞了一下，你想想後來怎樣?
兩個盲人的襪子全掉在地上了!一共六雙，黑色和白色的全混在一起了。那青年馬上道歉就走了。而那兩個盲人就把襪子都揀起來了。可是他們分辯不出哪些是黑的，哪些是白的。他們怎樣才能肯定每人拿到一雙黑的和兩雙白的呢?他們想請別人幫忙，可是街上沒有別人，那麼——他們該怎麼辦呢?
一個盲人很快想出了一個解決的辦法。你能猜到是什麼辦法嗎?
他們把每雙襪子一分為二，各自從每一雙中拿了一隻。等回到家，他們各自有同樣尺碼的兩隻黑襪子和四隻白襪子，正是他們要買的數量。他們難道不是挺聰明嗎?
27 What If…
“Dear,\" said the wife.“What would you do if I died?\"
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,\" said the husband.“Why do you ask such a question?\"
“Would you remarry?\" persevered the wife.
“No, of course not,dear.\" said the husband.
“Donu0027t you like being married?\" said the wife.
“Of course I do,dear.\" he said.
“Then why wouldnu0027t you remarry?\"
“Alright,\" said the husband,“Iu0027d remarry.\"
“You would?\" said the wife,looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes.\"said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?\" said the wife after a long pause.
“Well yes, I suppose I would.\" replied the husband.
“Really,\" said the wife icily.“And would you take down the pictrues of me and replace them with pictures of her?\"
“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.\"
“Is that so ?\" said the wife,leaping to her feet.“And I suppose youu0027d let her paly with my golf clubs,too.\"
\"Of course not,dear,\" said the husband.
“Sheu0027s left-handed.\"
要是……
“親愛的”，妻子說，“要是我死了，你怎麼辦?”
“怎麼啦，親愛的，我會很傷心”，丈夫說。“你幹嗎問這樣的問題?”
“你會再婚嗎?”做妻子的毫不放鬆。
“不會，當然不會，親愛的。”丈夫說。
“你不喜歡結婚?”妻子說。
“當然喜歡的，親愛的”，他說。
“那麼你為什麼不再結婚?”
“好吧”，丈夫說，“再婚就是了。”
“你會?”妻子說，看來有點受傷的樣子。
“是的”，丈夫說。
“你會和她睡在這張床上嗎?”妻子沉默了一會兒問道。
“唔，是的吧，我想會的”，丈夫回答。
“明白了”，妻子惱怒地說，“你會讓她穿我的衣服嗎?”
“會吧，如果她想穿的話”。丈夫說。
“是嗎?”妻子冷冰冰地，“你會把我的照片換成她的嗎?”
28 The Perfect Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.Suddenly a mobile telephone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:“Hello?\" “Honey, Itu0027s me. Are you at the club?\" “Yes.\" “Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat...It is absolutely gorgeous!!Can I buy it?\" “Whatu0027s the price?\" “Only $ 1500.00\" “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...\" “Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.I saw one I really liked.I spoke with the salesman and the BMW that we bought last year...\" “What price did he quote you?\" “Only $ 60000...\" “OK,but for that price I want it with all the options.\" “Great! Before we hang up,something else...\" “What?\" “It might look like a lot,but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. Itu0027s on sale!!Remember? The one with a pool,English Garden,acre of park area,beachfront property...\" “How much are they asking?\" “Only $ 450000...a magnificent price.and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...\" “Well, then go ahead and buy it,but just bid $ 420000.OK?\" “OK,sweetie...Thanks! Iu0027ll see you later!!I love you!!!\" “Bye...I do too...\" The man hangs up,closes the phoneu0027s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:“Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?\"
完美丈夫
幾個男人在一家私人俱樂部中運動之後進入存衣間休息。突然放在一條長凳上的手機響了起來。一個男人拿起它，接著就有如下的對話：
“喂?”
“親愛的，是我。你在俱樂部嗎?”
“是的。”
“太棒了!我就在離你那兒隻有兩條街區的購物商場內。我看見一件非常漂亮的貂皮大衣……它非常高貴華麗!!我可以將它買下嗎?”
“價格如何?”
“隻要1500美元。”
“好，如果你那麼喜歡它，就去買下它吧。”
“哦!我經過默西迪斯代理店時看見2001年新款。我看見一輛我十分喜歡的車款，我已經和銷售員交談過，他願意給我一個相當不錯的價錢……再說我們也需要將去年買的寶馬給換了……”
“那他出什麼價?”
“隻有60000美元。”
“好吧，但價格這麼貴，我希望它功能齊全。”
“太棒了!在我掛機之前，還有些事……”
“什麼事?”
“可能看起來太多了，不過我是參照你的銀行帳戶來的……今天早上我經過房產代理處，發現去年我們看中的那幢房子正在拍賣!你還記得嗎?就是那幢帶有一個遊泳池，英式花園，停車場，位於海濱地區的……”
“多少錢?”
“隻要450000美元，這個價錢非常合理，而且我們銀行還有足夠多的錢……”
“好吧，去買下它吧，但必須還價到420000美元，好嗎?”
“沒問題，親愛的……謝謝!我過會兒來看你!!我愛你!!!”
“再見……我也……”
這個男人掛了線，閉合手機的翻蓋，然後舉起他那隻握著手機的手問所有在場的人：“有誰知道這隻手機是誰的?”
29 Speaking of Mother in Law...
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the womanu0027s face was severely burned.The doctor told the husband that they couldnu0027t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.However,the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from,and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all,this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womanu0027s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day,she was alone with her husband,and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.She said,“Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.\"
“My darling,\" he replied, “think nothing of it.I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.\"
關於丈母娘的談話
在一場可怕的車禍中，做妻子的臉給燒傷了。醫生告訴丈夫沒法給她植皮，因為她太瘦了。
於是丈夫建議從他自己身上捐些皮出來給妻子用。可是，醫生認為惟一可用的皮隻能是他屁股上的那塊。丈夫和妻子說好決不把這事告訴別人。並請求醫生也為此保密。畢竟這事有那麼點微妙。
手術完成後，每個人都被這女人的新的美貌鎮住了。她看起來比以往任何時候都更漂亮!所有的親朋都一再談論她的青春美麗。
有一天，她和丈夫單獨在一起時，她為他對自己的犧牲感動不已。她說，“親愛的，我隻想對你說聲謝謝，謝謝你為我所做的一切。我沒法子報答你。”
“親愛的，”他答道，“別再想它了。每次我看見你媽親你的臉，就得到了所有的謝意。”
30 An Elevator Story
A boy and his father from a small village were at a mall.They were amazed by almost everything they saw,but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, “What is this, father?\"
The father responded,“Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life.I donu0027t know what it is!\"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They contiued to watch ten circles light up in the reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son,“Go get your mother.\"
電梯故事
來自小村莊的一個男孩和父親到了一個超級購物中心，神迷意亂於一切所見所聞，特別是那兩堵可以開合的銀光閃閃的牆壁。
男孩問父親：“這是什麼，爸爸?”
父親回答，“兒子，我不知道。一生中從沒見過這樣的東西。”
父子倆睜著大眼看著時，一個坐輪椅的老太太轉到這堵會動的牆壁前，按下一個按鈕。牆打開了。老太太從父子倆中間走進了一個小房間。牆合攏了。父子倆看見牆上邊逐一亮起一盞盞嵌有數字的圓形小燈。他們看到有十個燈亮過了，然後又一路亮了回來。牆又開了，一個風情萬種的24歲女人走出來。
父親對兒子說：“快去把你媽叫來!”
31 A Great System
A reporter called on a cotton broker one Sunday morning. The man received the reporter in his dressing-room,and after their business talk was over the wonders of the house were taken up.The broker boasted about his Raphaels and hardwood floors, his light plant and French furniture,his gold-plated plumbing and Gobelins, but he boasted above all about his travelling bathtub.
“Itu0027s onyx,\" he said,“a lovely golden shade, it runs by electricity,on tiny pneumatic tires,smooth and silent.Whenever I donu0027t feel disposed to leave this room it comes in here to me,filled,just as I like it, with genuine Atlantic Ocean,brought up from Coney Island and warmed to 80 degrees.It comes in any time I push this button.\"
“Push it now,\" said the reporter,curiously.
The button was pushed,the doors slid magically opened,and the great onyx bath glided in stately silence into the room.But in it sat the millionaireu0027s astonished wife.
浴缸裏的精品
一個星期天的早上，一個記者去拜訪一位棉花經銷商，那商人在他的穿衣間裏接見了他。正事談完後，他們就說起這商人豪宅裏的新奇精品。這商人吹噓他擁有的拉斐爾名畫，他的櫟木地板，他的私人發電設備和法國家具，他的鍍金水管和法國繡毯，而他吹得最起勁的就是他那個可以走動的浴缸了。
“它是縞瑪瑙做的，是令人喜愛的金黃色。”他說，“裝在電動的充氣輪胎上，走起來平穩而毫無噪音；我不願離開這個房間的時候，它就能到這裏來將就我。而且還按照我的意願灌滿了從大西洋科尼島運來的水，水溫加熱到華氏八十度。隻要我一按這個鍵鈕，它隨時就會來。”
“那你現在就按一下看看，”記者有點好奇。
這個商人就按了一下鍵鈕，房門神奇地打開了，那個碩大的縞瑪瑙浴缸就雍容肅靜地滑進房間。但是浴缸裏麵卻坐著正在沐浴的驚慌失措的富商太太。
32 Perfect Match
A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase.Several painters try to match the shade,but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.
Eventually,a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color.The woman is pleased with the result,and the painter becomes famous.
Years later,he retires and turns the business over to his son.“Dad,\" says the son, “thereu0027s something Iu0027ve got to know.How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?\"
“Son,\" the father replies,“I painted the vase.\"
絕配
一位富婆為擁有一隻珍貴的古玩花瓶而深感驕傲，以至於她竟要把臥室漆成與花瓶同樣的顏色。幾名油漆匠試圖調出這個底色，但是誰也沒有能令那位怪癖的婦女滿意。
最後來了位油漆匠。他非常自信能調出那種顏色。那婦女對他的成果非常滿意，油漆匠於是一舉成名。
多年以後，他退休了，生意也交給兒子。“爸，”兒子說，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎樣使牆的顏色與花瓶配得那麼絕的?”
“兒子，”父親回答說，“我漆了花瓶。”
33 Citizenship Joke
An immigrant from Hong Kong is applying for citizenship in Canada.He is to be interviewed by a Canadian immigration officer.He does not speak English well and knows nothing about Canada.Therefore, he invited a special translator to help him in his interview.
Officer:Do you know who was the first prime minister of Canada?
Translator:(told to this man in Cantonese) The officer asked you, where do you usually go if you want to eat hamburger?
Man:(answered to the officer) Oh...McDonald(the first prime minister of Canada is Sir John MacDonald.)
The officer nodded his head and then asked the second question.
Officer:Could you tell me which province youu0027re living in now?
Translator:(said to this man in Cantonese) The officer just asked you, what is the dirtiest thing in your nose?
Man:(replied to the officer in Cantonese) Ah...Bay See (which means nose dirt in Chinese)(The man lives in the province of British Columbia,commonly known as B.C.)
The officer nodded his head again and asked the final question.
Officer: Do you know what your privilege is when you become a Canadian?
Translator:(told to this man in Cantonese) The officer asked you,how does a dog sound like when it barks?
Man:(demonstrated the sound to the officer)...Woe,Woe.(One of the privilegs of a Canadian is the right to vote.)
This officer told the man that all the questions were answered correctly,shook hands with him and congratulated him that he had passed the interview to be a Canadian citizen.
申請國籍的笑話
一個香港來的移民申請加拿大國籍。加拿大移民官要和他麵談。這位老兄英語說的不好，對加國一點也不了解。因此，他請了一位專門翻譯在麵談時幫忙。
移民官：你知道誰是加拿大第一任總理嗎?
翻譯：(用廣東話對這位老兄說)考官問你通常到哪吃漢堡包?
移民：(回答考官)啊……麥當勞啦。(加拿大第一任總理名叫約翰·麥當勞)
移民官點頭，問第二個問題。
移民官：能告訴我你現在住在哪個省嗎?
翻譯：(用廣東話對這位老兄說)考官問你鼻子裏最髒的東西叫什麼?
移民：(用廣東話回答考官)啊……鼻屎啦。
(這個人住在British Columbia,通常叫做BC)
移民官又點點頭，問最後一個問題。
移民官：你知道成為加拿大公民後有什麼公民權利嗎?
翻譯：(用廣東話告訴這位老兄)考官問你，狗叫起來是什麼樣的聲音?
移民：(對考官裝狗叫)…Woe…Woe(加拿大公民的權利之一是選舉vote)
移民官告訴這人他答對了所有的問題，和他握手，祝賀他通過了麵試，光榮地成為了加拿大公民。
34 A Smugglar
The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border,where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk,he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
“Whatu0027s in here?\" he asked.
“Dirt,\" the driver replied.
“Take them out,\" the guard instructed. “I want to check them.\"
Obliging, the man removed the bags,and sure enough,each one of them contained nothing but dirt.Reluctantly,the guard let him go.
A week later the man came back,and once again,the sentry looked in the truck.
“Whatu0027s in the bags this time?\" he asked.
“Dirt,more dirt.\"said the man.
Not believing him,the guard checked the sacks and,once again,he found nothing but soil.
The same thing happened every week for six months,and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink.Hurrying over to him, the former guard said,“Listen, pal,drinks are on the house tonight if youu0027ll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time.\"
Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartenderu0027s ear and whispered,“Cars.\"
走私犯
一個形跡可疑的人開車來到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時，驚奇地發現了六個接縫處鼓得緊繃的大口袋。
“裏麵裝的是什麼?”他問道。
“土。”司機回答。
“把袋子拿出來，”哨兵命令道：“我要檢查。”
那人順從地把口袋搬了出來。確實，口袋裏除了土以外，別無他物。哨兵很不情願地讓他通過了。
一周後，那人又來了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱。
“這次袋子裏裝的是什麼?”他問道。
“土，又運了一些土。”那人回答。
哨兵不相信，對那袋子又進行了檢查，結果發現，除了土以外，仍舊一無所獲。
同樣的事情每周重演一次，一共持續了六個月。最後，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，幹脆辭職去當了酒吧侍者。有天夜裏，那個形跡可疑的人碰巧途經酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對他說，“我說，老兄，你要是能幫我一個忙，今晚的酒就歸我請客。你能不能告訴我，那段時間你到底在走私什麼東西?”
那人俯身過來，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開嘴笑嘻嘻地說：“汽車。”
35 Lawyer “Speak\"
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students,“If you were to give someone an orange,how would you go about it?\" The student replied,“Hereu0027s an orange.\" The professor was outraged.“No! No! Think like a lawyer!\" The student then replied.“Okay. Iu0027d tell him ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular,my estate and interests,rights,claim,title,and advantages of and in, said orange,together with all its rind,juice,pulp,and seeds,and all rights and advantages with full power to bite,cut,freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp,juice, rind and seeds,anything herein before or hereinafter of in any deed,or deeds,instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...’\"
律師的“說辭”
一位合同法班的教授問成績較好的其中一位學生，“如果你要贈與某人一個橙子，你將會怎麼做?”這個學生回答說：“給你一個橙子。”這個教授氣憤地說：“不!不!你應該像一個律師那樣去思考!”這個學生於是回答說：“好的。我會告訴他，‘我據此贈並轉讓給你我所有的和單個的，我的不動產和利息、權利、要求權、命名、聲明以及所有屬於或包含於比如說橙子的一切利益，連同它所有的殼、果汁、果肉和種子，包含咬、切、冰凍以及其它的任何吃的權力的所有權和利益，同樣地，有或沒有果肉、果汁、殼及種子，任何在此之前或之後及任何情況下、任何自然的或人為的手段，無論什麼原因導致反方麵的作用都具有相同的效力。’”
36 Lawyer Jokes
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dlismissed from serving.He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.On the day of the trial,he decided to give it one more shot.As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,\" he said,“I must be excused form this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said‘Heu0027s a crook! Heu0027s guilty!’So,Your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!\"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied,“Get back in the jury box,you fool. That man is the defendantu0027s lawyer.\"
一個關於律師的笑話
一個人被選中去參加陪審團，但是他自己卻不願意去。他用了很多推辭的借口卻都行不通。審判的當天，他決定還要再試一次。當審判就要開始的時候，他詢問能否向法官提出建議。
“尊敬的法官，”他說，“我必須退出這次審判因為我對被告存有偏見。我一看到那個穿藍色衣服的家夥有一雙賊溜溜的眼睛和一副狡詐的麵孔，我就想‘他是個騙子，他有罪。’所以，尊敬的法官，我不能繼續呆在陪審團裏了。”
法官顯得十分惱火，回答道：“回到你的陪審席去，你這個笨蛋。那人是被告的律師。”
37 Al Gore and the Clintons
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.Bill looks at Al,chuckles an says,“You know, I could throw a $ 10000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.\"
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says,“Well, I could throw ten $ 1000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.\"
Chelsea rolls her eyes,looks at all of them and says,“I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole world very happy!
戈爾和克林頓一家
戈爾和克林頓一家正乘坐著空軍一號。比爾看著戈爾，笑著說：“如果我現在把一張一萬美金的鈔票扔出機窗，將有一個人會很快樂。”
戈爾聳了一下他那僵硬的肩膀，說：“我扔十張一千美金的鈔票，可以使十個人快樂。”
切爾西滴溜著眼睛，望著他們說：“我把你們都扔出去，全世界都高興!”