我沒有辦法給你我們的地址，因為上次住在這的人在搬去新家時把門牌號碼也帶走了，所以他們就不用更改地址。
這裏有一台洗衣機。第一天我把4件襯衫放進去，拉了開關後，就再也沒看見它們了。這禮拜隻下了兩次雨，第一次下了三天，第二次下了四天。
你阿姨說你要我們寄去給你的那件外套的扣子郵寄時會超重，所以我們把扣子剪下來放在口袋裏。你姊姊，她今天早上生了，我還沒弄清是男的還是女的，所以我不曉得你要當阿姨或是當舅舅了。沒什麼事，我最近會再寫信給你。
給親愛的兒子，媽媽
我們本來要寄錢給你，但是信封已經粘好了。
13 What A Coincidence
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting foom,while their wives were in labor.The nurse comes in and tells the first man,“Congratulations!Youu0027re the father of twins!\"
“What a coincidence!\" the man exclaims. “I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball Tearn!\"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man,“You are the father of triplets!\"
“Wow,what a coincidence!\" he replies.“I work for the 3M Corporation!\"
When the nurse comes again,she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
“Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!\"
At this point,the fourth guy faints. When he comes to,the others ask whatu0027s wrong.“Whatu0027s wrong?! I work for Seven-Eleven!\"
真是巧
四位在產房外等待小寶寶誕生的父親焦急又興奮地向產房內望去。
終於一位護士出來向第一位父親報喜，“恭喜你喜獲一對雙胞胎!”
父親驚喜地說：“真是巧耶，我在明尼蘇達雙胞胎棒球隊工作耶!”
過了一會兒，護士又出來向第二位父親報喜：“恭喜你喜獲三胞胎!”
這位父親同樣驚喜地說：“天啊，真夠巧的!我在3M公司上班耶!”
一會兒，護士向第三位父親報喜：“恭喜你喜獲四胞胎兒!”父親驚訝地說：“哇，真不敢相信!我在四季旅館上班耶!”
才說完，第四位父親就昏過去了。等他稍清醒時大家問他怎麼回事，這位父親大叫：“怎麼回事?!我在7—11上班啊!”
14 Who Had the Most Tragic Death
Three men stood by the Golden Gate and St.Peter said,“Sorry,weu0027re all filled up so only one of you can come into heaven.So,out of you three, the one who had the most tragic death of all may enter and the rest of you had better put on some sunscreen.\"
The first man spoke,“Well I am a newlywed and I tend to get jealous of my wife and her male friends,so I forbid her to see any of them while I was at work.But today I came home early and saw two wine glasses on the coffee table and when I asked my wife what was going on,she blushed and was silent.I searched the entire house for her male friend and finally I spotted someoneu0027s hands grasping the railing on our balcony.In a fit of rage I stomped on the hands until the rascal fell 15 stories down into the BFI bin below.When I realized he was still alive.I unhooked my fridge and threw it over the railing.In the process of doing this,I had a heart attack.\"
St.Peter replied, “Wow,thatu0027s too bad.Next?\"
The second man began to speak,“I am a window washer and I was minding my own business and washing the 17th story windows at an apartment when my safety rope snapped and I began to fall.I reached out and in a stroke of luck, grabbed onto a balcony railing on the 15th story.I was trying to catch my breath and waited for someone to rescue me when some lunatic started to stomp on my hands until I lost my grip and fell into the BFI bin below.I opened my eyes in disbelief only to see a fridge come crashing down onto my head.\"
St.Peter replied,“My,my...that is bad.Next?\"
The third man spoke last,“Well,I was hiding in the fridge when...\"
誰死得更慘
三個男人站在天門外，聖·彼得說：“對不起，我們這兒人滿為患，你們中隻有一個能進入天堂。所以，你們三人當中死得最慘的才能進入。”
第一個人說：“我剛結婚不久，很嫉妒我妻子和她的男朋友，所以在我上班的時候禁止她見任何男朋友。但今天我回家較早，看見茶幾上放了兩杯葡萄酒，當我問妻子發生了什麼時，她紅著臉不說話。我搜遍了整個屋子，想找出她的男朋友，最後發現有個人的手抓住我家陽台的欄杆。我對著那雙手就是一陣狂踢，直到那個流氓從15樓掉下去，可惜下麵正好有一堆紙箱。當我得知他還活著時，就搬起家裏的冰箱從陽台上往下砸去，然後突發心髒病身亡。”
聖·彼得說：“喔，夠慘的。下一個?”
第二個人開始說：“我是一個窗戶清潔工，一天我正在清洗公寓17樓的窗戶，安全帶不幸突然繃斷，我開始墜落。但幸運的是，我抓住了15樓陽台的欄杆。我屏住呼吸等人來救我，突然有個神經病使勁亂跑我的手，直到我失手掉進下麵的一堆紙箱。我睜開眼睛一看，一個冰箱正朝我的頭上砸來。”
聖·彼得說：“哎呀，……夠慘的。下一個?”
第三個人最後說：“咳，我當時正藏在冰箱裏，突然……”
15 Three Pople
There were three people stranded on an island,a brunette,a redhead,and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and eatimated about 20 miles to shore.So she announced, “Iu0027m going to try to swim to shore.\" So she swam out five miles,and got really tired.She swam out ten miles from the island,and she was too tired to go on ,so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead,said to herself,“I wonder if she made it. I guess itu0027s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.\" So she attempts to swim out.The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette,as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired.After 15 miles,she was too tired to go on,so she drowned.
So the blonde thought,“I wonder if they made it! I think Iu0027d better try to make it,too.\" So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.The shore was just in sight,but she said,“Iu0027m too tired to go on!\" So she swam back.
三個人
一個黑人，一個紅發人和一個白人被困於一個島上。黑人從水麵望向大陸，估計到岸有20英裏左右。所以她說：“我要遊到對岸試試看。”結果她遊了5英裏就覺得很累，遊出10英裏後再也遊不動了，便淹死了。
第二個人，那紅發者對自己說：“我懷疑她有沒有到，我猜試著到對岸總比呆在這兒餓死好。”所以她也下水了。紅發人的耐力比黑人好得多，她遊了10英裏才感到累，但15英裏後，她也精疲力竭，沉了下去。
白人想：“真懷疑她們到了嗎!我也試試吧。”所以她遊了出去，5英裏，10英裏，15英裏，19英裏。大陸就在眼前了，她卻說：“我沒力氣再向前了!”然後她遊了回去。
16 A Doctor Who Never Asks Questions
A very bad-tempered man once fell ill and had to go and see the doctor.He did not want to go because he neither liked nor trusted doctors.In his opinion,all doctors were quacks who made money by cheating their patients.But since he was very ill and in qain,he had no choice.In the chinic, the doctor made him sit down in a chair and began asking him questions with concern.
“Whatu0027s your complaint?\"
“Humph,you are the doctor.Itu0027s your business to know. Why do you ask me? If youu0027re competent,you should be able to see for yourself!\"
“Er...Let me take your temperature,\" said the doctor, putting a thermometer in the patientu0027s mouth.
“I donu0027t want that thing in my mouth!\" grumbled the man.“If you canu0027t tell whatu0027s wrong with me,just be honest about it. I can go somewhere else.\"
“I truly regret that I canu0027t do much for you,\" admitted the doctor apologetically.“But I know a specialist who is very good at treating patients like you.He never asks questions,never. Hereu0027s his card.You go to him I referred you to him.\"
The bad-tempered man snatched the card and letf the chinic without a word.
When he was in the street, he glanced at teh card,which said, “OR. JAMES KUTANOVICH. CERTIFIED VETERINARIAN\".
一位從不問問題的醫生
一個脾氣很壞的人有一次生了病，不得不去看醫生。她並不願意去因為他既不喜歡，也不相信醫生。在他看來，所有的醫生都是冒牌貨，專靠欺騙他們的病人賺錢。可是，因為他生病又……
17 A Blonde Borrows
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says sheu0027s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.The car is parked on the streetin front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The banku0027s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250000 Rolls as collateral against a $ 5000 loan.An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the banku0027s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later,the blonde retruns,repays the $5000 and the interest,which comes to $ 15.41.The loan officer says, “Miss,we are very happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely,but we are a little puzzled.While you were away,we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.What puzzles us is,why would you bother to borrow $ 5000?\"
The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?\"
美女貸款
一個美女走進紐約市一家銀行，找到負責貸款的官員。她說要去歐洲出差兩個星期，需要貸款5000美元。銀行官員說銀行需要保證貸款的安全，於是美女遞過一把轎車的鑰匙。那輛嶄新的勞斯萊斯就停在銀行前麵的街上。銀行同意接受她的車作為貸款抵押。銀行經理和其他官員都滿意的笑了，因為美女竟用價值25萬美元的汽車作為區區5000美元的抵押。然後一名銀行職員把汽車開進了銀行的地下車庫。
兩個星期後，美女回來了，償還了5000美元外加15.41美元的利息。貸款官員說：“小姐，我們非常高興能和你做生意。但我們有點不明白，你走了以後我們查出你是個千萬富翁，為什麼你還要借5000美元?”
美女回答：“整個紐約市哪有比銀行更安全的停車場?而且兩星期隻要15.41美元。”
18 Pool Party
One day a rich guy is having a party at his house.He is loaded,and he has everything:money,a big house in Beverley Hills,drugs,girls,cars,planes; anything he wants.The guy is also a little eccentric,and he has filled his pool with crocodiles.So there he is,and his friends all standing around drinking,getting high and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up.He calls for silence and says,“OK，the first person he swims across my pool will get all my money and my house.\"
Still no one moves.“OK then,the first person he swims across my pool gets all my money,my house and all my cars and planes.\"
Still, no one moves,not even a eye blinks this time.“OK then,all my money,my house, all my cars,all my planes,all the dope you can handle, all my property,all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own.\"
“Splash!\" Someoneu0027s in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he roll sover like Tarzan, heu0027s all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally be gets out of the pool on the other side.The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.
“That was incredible!I never thought that I would ever see that done.Do you want the money now or later?\"
“I donu0027t want the money.\"
“Do you want the house now or later?\"
“I donu0027t want the house.\"
“Do you want the cars and planes now or later?\"
“I donu0027t want the cars or the planes.\"
“Do you want the bonds,stocks and stuff now or later?\"
“I donu0027t want that either.\"
“Do you want the drugs now or later?\"
“I donu0027t want the drugs.\"
“Do you want the girls now or later?\"
“I donu0027t want the girls.\"
The rich guy looks at him and says,“Well,what the hell do you want?!?!\"
“I want the bastard that pushed me in.\"
池邊聚會
有一天，一個富人在他的家裏開晚會。他非常富有，擁有所有東西：金錢，在貝弗利山上的大房子，毒品，美女，汽車，飛機，應有盡有。這家夥行為有點古怪，在他家的水池裏養滿了鱷魚。所以，在那裏，他和她和朋友們全部在水池旁喝酒、作樂、開晚會。
這個富人爬上了救生的警戒塔，朋友們都望著他。他叫大家肅靜，跟著說：“好，第一位能夠從水池邊遊到那邊的朋友能夠擁有我所有的錢。”
沒有人移動。富人環顧了人群，抬起了他的手臂，接著說：“好，第一位能夠遊過這個水池的人能夠擁有我的錢和房子。”
還是沒人動。“那麼好，第一個能夠遊過這個水池的人將擁有我的錢、我的房子，還有我的汽車和飛機。”
仍然沒人動，甚至連眼睛都沒人眨一下。“那好，我所有的錢、房子、汽車、飛機、毒品，甚至我所有的財產、股票、債券、投資、女人，我所有的通通的一切任您處置。”
“撲通!”有人在水池裏了。所有鱷魚都圍攏過來。但是他翻滾著，在水池裏四處亂竄，與鱷魚進行戰鬥和躲閃。最後，他終於從水池的那邊爬了出來。這個富人馬上從塔上跳下來跑向那個人。
“真難以置信!我從來沒想過能看見有人這樣做。您想要錢嗎?現在或者以後?”
“我不要錢。”
“那麼房子呢?現在或以後?”
“我不要房子。”
“那您要汽力和飛機嗎?現在或以後?”
“我不要汽車也不要飛機。”
“那麼您要債券、股票和現金嗎?現在或以後?”
“我哪一樣都不要?”
“毒品?現在或以後?”
“我不要毒品。”
“那您想要女人，現在或以後?”
“我也不要女人。”
富人看著他說：“那麼你這該死的家夥到底想要什麼呢?”
“我隻要那個推我下去的婊子養的。”
19 Hot Air Balloon
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.He reduces height and spots a man down below.He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
“Excuse me,can you tell me where I am?\"
The man below says:“Yes,youu0027re in a hot air balloon,hovering 30 feet above this field.\"
“Thank you very much indeed.You must work in Information Technology,\"says the balloonist.
“I do,\" replies the man.“How did you know?\"
“Well,\" says the balloonist,“youu0027ve given me a smart-alec response to a straightforward question,and although everything you have told me is technically correct,itu0027s of no use to anyone!\"
The man below hollers back,“You must be a very senior manager in business.\"
“I am,\" replies the balloonist,“but how can you tell?\" “well,”says the man,\" you donu0027t know where you are, or where youu0027re going,but you expect me to be able to help.Youu0027re in the same position you were before we met,but now itu0027s my fault.\"
熱氣球
一個人乘著熱氣球飛在天上，他發現自己迷路了，就降低了飛行高度。他看見自己下方有一個人，於是便進一步降低了氣球高度並高聲喊道：
“對不起，你能告訴我我現在所處的位置嗎?”
“好的，”下麵的人回答，“你正呆在一個熱氣球裏，在離地麵30英尺的空中盤旋。”
“謝謝你，你準是搞計算機之類行當的。”熱氣球中的人說。
“沒錯兒!”地麵上的人答道，“你是怎麼知道的?”
“這麼說吧，”氣球上的人說，“我問了你一個直截了當的問題，你卻找一個你自認為夠聰明的答案來打發我，盡管你所說的從技術上看都對，可就是毫無用處!”
地麵上的人也衝著天上喊了起來，“你一定是一個在商界幹了不少年的管理人員。”
“不錯，我是”，氣球上的人說，“你又是怎麼看出來的呢?”
“好吧，”地麵上的人說，“你不知道你在哪兒，也不知道應該往哪兒去，於是你希望我能幫忙。現在你還是在碰見我之前所處的老地方呆著，卻怪起我來了!”
20 An Englishman
An Englishman was visiting Paris for the first time.He was staying at a hotel.He went down to have breakfast on the first day,and sat with a Frenchman.
The Frenchman smiled and said,“Bon appetit.\" “That is his name,\" thought the Englishman.He smiled back and said his own name,“Sidebottom.\" The next morning,Sidebottom came down for breakfast and saw the Frenchman again.
Sidebottom was a bit surprised to hear his name again.But he answered in the same way,“Sidebottom\". This happened every morning for about a week.
At the end of the week, a friend of Sidebottomu0027s arrived from England.“Iu0027m having a very good time,\" he said.“Iu0027ve met a very nice Frenchman.His name is Bon Appetit.\" “That isnu0027t his name,\" said the friend,“The French often say it before a meal.\"
The next morning,the Englishman and Frenchman sat at the same able,“Bon appetit!\" the Englishman shouted.
The Frenchman looked at him and smiled.“Sidebottom.\" he answered.
英國人
一個英國人第一次到法國，住在一個旅館裏。第一天早上，他下樓去吃早飯，坐在一個法國人旁邊。那個法國人微笑著說：“祝你胃口好。”“那一定是他的名字，”英國人想。於是他也微笑著說了自己的名字，“Sidebotton。”第二天早上， Sidebottom下樓吃早飯又遇到了那個法國人。
Sidebottom又一次聽到那個法國人的名字，他有點吃驚，但他還是同樣回答道，“ Sidetbttom.”在這以後的將近一個星期裏，每個早上都發生了相同的情況。
在那個星期的周末，Sidebottom的一個英國朋友碰到了他。“我過得很愉快，”他說，“我遇到了一個很有趣的法國人，他的名字叫‘ Bon Appetit (祝你胃口好)’”
“那不是他的名字，”他的朋友說，“法國人經常吃飯前說這句話的。”
第二天早上，英國人和法國人又坐在了同一張桌子上，“祝你胃口好!”英國人大聲說。法國人看著他，帶著微笑，“ Sidebottom.”他回答道。
21 False Advertising
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condetion.She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court,the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.His reply was:“When the lady boarded the bus I couldnu0027t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read“Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins\",then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling\".I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read“William Stick Did The Trick\". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.\"
誤導廣告
一天，一位身孕好幾個月的少婦上了一輛公交車。這時她看到一個年輕人在衝她笑，想到自己挺著一個在肚子，感到受到了侮辱。於是她換了一個座位，但那個年輕人似乎更樂了。她又換了一個座位，當她換到第四個座位的時候那個年輕人突然間哈哈大笑起來。這位少婦忍無可忍，結果她叫警察把他抓了起來。
當他們對峙公堂的時候，法官問年輕人為什麼會有如此不禮貌的舉動。那個年輕人說：“這位婦人一上車我就注意到她已經有了身孕。她坐在了一個廣告下麵，這個廣告上寫著‘金粉雙胞胎的時候就要來了’，接著她又坐到另一個廣告下麵，這則廣告上寫著‘淑女香脂，有效消腫’。當她坐在一個遞須刀廣告下麵的時候我就更想笑了，這則廣告上寫著‘威廉姆·迪克的傑作’。最後，當她第四次換座位的時候我就再也控製不住自己了，因為那個座位上麵的廣告寫著‘鄧洛普橡膠可以預防此類事故’”。
22 City Fellow
The city fellow asked his friend the country boy to take him deer hunting.as he had never been hunting before.The country boy agreed to this, as long as the city fellow did EXACTLY what he was told to do.
The two men got their gear together and went into the woods.The country boy told the city fellow to sit down on a log that lay beside a deer trail,and that if he stayed quiet and waited, the deer would come right by him on the way to the creek,and he would be able go get a good shot. The country boy said that he was going to go on down the trail about a mile to another good spot,and he would be back to meet the city fellow later.
But a few hours later,the country boy heard all kinds of yelling and screaming as the city fellow came running down the trail! “well, whatu0027s wrong with you?\" he asked the city fellow. “why didnu0027t you stay where I told you to?\"
The city fellow, stull very excited, replied, “Well,when the bobcat came over and sharpened his claws on the log,I didnu0027t move. When the bear came and sat on the other end of the log,I didnu0027t move.But when the two squirrels came up,climbed into my lap and then one said to the other,‘Shall we take them with us or eat them here’,well I just couldnu0027t stand it any more!\"
城裏人
一個城裏人請求他的朋友，一個農村男孩，帶他去獵鹿，因為他從來沒有打過獵。農村男孩答應了他，條件是城裏人必須按照他的要求去做。
兩人帶了獵槍進了樹林。農村男孩叫城裏人坐在一根躺在鹿蹄印邊的圓木上，並告訴他如果他靜靜地耐心等待，當鹿在去小溪的路上經過他身邊時，他就可以開槍了。農村男孩說他自己要沿著蹄印向前走一英裏左右到另一個射擊點，一會兒再回來。
可是過了一段時間，城裏人大叫大嚷地沿著蹄印跑來!“怎麼了?”農村孩子問城裏人，“你怎麼不呆在我叫你呆的地方?”
城裏人仍然很興奮，他回答說：“當野貓跑過來把它的爪子扒在那圓木上時我沒有動；當熊過來坐在圓木的另一端時我也沒動；可是當兩隻鬆鼠過來爬在我的大腿上，其中一隻對一隻說：‘我們是把它們拿回去呢還是在這兒吃’，我實在不能再忍受了。”
23 Engineering VS·English Majors
An English and engineering convention was being held.On the train to the convention,there were both English majors and engineering majors.Each of the English majors had his\/her own train ticket. But the engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them.
The English majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter.Then,one of the engineers said,“Here comes the conductor.\" All of the engineers piled into the bathroom.The English majors were puzzled.
The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the English majors.He went to the bathroom,knocked on the door,and said,“Ticket please.\" All of the engineers piled into the bathroom.The English majors were puzzled.
The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the English majors.He went to the bathroom,knocked on the door,and said,“Ticket please.\"An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door.The conductor took the ticket and left.
A few minutes later,the engineers emerged from the bathroom.The English majors felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention,the group of English majors had ONE ticket for their group.They started snickering at the engineers,who had NO tickets amongst them. When the engineer lookout shouted,“Conductor coming!\" all the engineers again piled into a bathroom.All of the English majors went into another bathroom. Then,before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom,knocked on the other bathroom,and said,“Ticket,please...\"
學工的對學英文的
一次，召開英文和工科大會。在去大會的火車上，坐了文科的學生，也坐了工科的學生。每個文科學生都買了一張火車票。而所有的工科學生總共隻有一張火車票!
文科學生開始嘲笑攻擊工科學生。工科學生不理睬他們。這時，有個工科學生說：“查票的人來了!”所有的工科學生都擠進廁所裏。文科學生覺得莫名其妙。車長走進車廂逐個收了文科學生的票。他走到廁所，敲敲門，說：“查票了!”一個工科學生把他們僅有的一張票從門底下塞出來。車長收了這張票後就離開了。幾分鍾後，工科學生們從廁所出來了。文科學生感到自己真蠢不過了。
開完會回來，文科學生們隻買了一張票。他們又開始笑話工科學生，因為這些家夥們一張票也沒有。這時，一個負責監視的工科學生叫道：“查票的來了!”所有的工科學生又擠進了廁所。所有的文科學生進了另一間廁所。然後，在車長進車廂前，一個工科學生走出廁所，敲敲另一間廁所的門，說：“查票了!”
24 Knowledge Pills
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student,needing some learning,goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills is available.The pharmacist says,“Hereu0027s pill for English literature.\" The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literture!
“What else do you have?\" asks the student.