Part 2 Learn English with joy
1 A True Story from Work Perfect Employee
Actual dialog of a former WordPerfeet Customer Support employee:
“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?\"
“Yes,well, Iu0027m having trouble with WordPerfect.\"
“What sort of trouble?\"
“Well,I was just typing along,and all of a sudden the words went away.\"
“Went away?\"
“They disappeared.\"
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?\"
“Nothing.\"
“Nothing?\"
“Itu0027s blank; it wonu0027t accept anything that I type.\"
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?\"
“How do I tell?\"
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?\"
“Whatu0027s a sea-prompt?\"
“Never mind.Can you move the cursor around on the screen?\"
“There isnu0027t any cursor: I told you,it wonu0027t accept anything that I type.\"
“Does your monitor have a power indecator?\"
“Whatu0027s a monitor?\"
“Itu0027s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when itu0027s on?\"
“I donu0027t know.\"
“Well, then look at the back of that monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?\"
“Yes,I think so.\"
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if itu0027s plugged into the wall.\"
“Yes, it is.\"
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,not just one?\"
“No.\"
“Well, there are.I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.\"
“Okay, here it is.\"
“Follow it for me, and tell me if itu0027s plugged securely into the back of your crmputer.\"
“I canu0027t reach.\"
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?\"
“No.\"
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?\"
“Oh, itu0027s not because I donu0027t have the right angle—itu0027s because itu0027s dark.\"
“Dark?\"
“Yes—the office light is off,and the only light I have is coming in from the window.\"
“Well, turn on the office light then.\"
“I canu0027t.\"
“No? Why not?\"
“Because there is a power outage.\"
“A power...A power outage? Aha! Okay, weu0027ve got it licked now.Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?\"
“Well,yes, I keep them in the closet.\"
“Good! Go get them,and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.\"
“Really? Is it that bad?\"
“Yes, Iu0027m afraid it is.\"
“Well,all right then, I suppose.What do I tell them?\"
“Tell them youu0027re too stupid to own a computer.\"
技術服務員講的真實故事
一個前WordPerfect客戶支持工程師的對話實錄：
“我叫Ridge Hall，計算助理。有什麼問題嗎?”
“有啊。用WordPerfect時出麻煩了。”
“什麼樣的問題?”
“唔，我正打著字，突然所有的字都跑掉了。”
“跑掉了?”
“它們不見了。”
“嗬，你的屏幕現在看起來是什麼樣子?”
“什麼也沒有。”
“什麼也沒有?”
“空的。我敲什麼它都不接受。”
“你還在用WordPerfeet還是出來了?”
“我怎麼知道呢?”
“你在屏幕上能看見‘C：’提示符嗎?”
“什麼是‘Sea’提示符?”
“算了。你可以在屏幕上移動光標嗎?”
“沒什麼光標。告訴你了，不接受任何打的字。”
“你的顯示器有電源指示嗎?”
“什麼是顯示器?”
“就是屏幕所在的看起來像電視的東西。電源接上後它上麵有一點小光點會亮。”
“我不知道。”
“好吧，那麼看看顯示器後麵，找到通向電源的線。看到了嗎?”
“看到了。”
“是有兩根電線插在顯示器上嗎?不是隻有一根。”
“不是。”
“該有兩根的。請你回去再看看找到另外那根。”
“找到了。在這兒。”
“沿著它找到插頭處，看是不是插牢了。”
“我夠不著。”
“嗬嗬，好吧。你能看看它是否插好了嗎?”
“不能啊。”
“不可以跪下來斜過身子去看嗎?”
“啊，不是角度問題。是太黑了。”
“黑?”
“是啊。辦公室的燈全黑了。我隻能借窗戶的亮光。”
“那麼，打開辦公室開關啊。”
“不能啊。”
“不能?為什麼?”
“因為停電了。”
“停，停電?啊!好吧，問題搞清楚了。你還保存著裝計算機的箱子和充填的東西嗎?還有隨機手冊呀什麼的?”
“有哇，我放在櫥子裏了。”
“好極了!把它們統統拿來，取下電線，把你的機子照運來時的樣子裝好，送回到店裏去。”
“真的?有那麼糟糕嗎?”
“是啊，我想是糟透了。”
“那麼，好吧!我想隻好這樣了。我得怎麼對店裏解釋呢?”
“告訴他們你太笨了，不配有台計算機。”
2 Microsoftu0027s Answer
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraftu0027s electronic navigation and communication equipmnet.Due to the clouds and haze,the pilo could not determine the helicopteru0027s position and course to steer to the airport.The pilot saw a tall building,flew toward it,circled,drew a handwritten sign,and held it in the helicopteru0027s window.
The pilotu0027s sigh said“WHERE AM I?\" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign,and held it in a building window.
Their sign said“YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.\"
The pilot smiled,waved,looked at his map, determined the course to steer to airport,and landed safely.After they were on the ground,the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER\" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded,“I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct,but completely useless answer.\"
微軟的回答
一架直升機在西雅圖附近飛行時，電路發故障，所有的那裏導航及通信設備都不能工作。由於雲層和冰雹，飛行員不能確定直升機的位置和飛往機場的路線。飛行員看到一所高高建築物，就飛到它的上空盤旋，寫了一條條幅，掛在直升機的艙外。條幅上大大的字寫的是：“我在哪兒?”
大樓裏的人迅速作了回答。他們將一條寫著大字的條幅掛到大樓窗外，上麵寫著：“你在直升機上!”
飛行員微笑著揮手致意，從地圖上確定了去機場的路線，並在那裏安全降落。降落後，副駕駛員問他為什麼“你在直升機上”這句話竟能幫助他確定所在位置?飛行員答道：“我知道那幢大樓必定是微軟公司無疑。因為他們給我的是一個技術上完全正確，而實際毫無用處的回答。”
3 Dropped a Piece of Candy
The show was on. It was a very exciting western with the hero fighting a group of horse thieves single-handed.Bullets were flying in every direction.
An elderly lady suddenly exclainmed,“Oh,my God!\" and bent down right and left,felling the floor with her hands.“Excuse me...excuse...me\" she kept repeating to the people sitting beside her.“Excuse me,please.“Iu0027ve dropped a piece of candy I was chewing.\"
“A piece of candy!\" grunted an irritated man in the seat next to her.“Why donu0027t you sit still, granny. You certainly arenu0027t going to pick it up and put it back in your mouth,are you?\"
“Oh,no,\" replied the old lady firmly.
“Then why bother?\" grumbled the impatient man.
“Because...\" said the old lady as she continued to fumble in the dark,“...because my teeth are stuck in it!\"
掉了一塊糖
電影已經開演了，是一部激動人心的美國西部片，主人公正單槍馬同一群竊馬賊打鬥，子彈到處飛著。
一位上了年紀的婦女突然叫起來說，“哎呀，我的上帝!”說著就彎下腰去，一會兒朝左，一會兒朝右，用手摸著地板。“對不起，對不起……”她不斷地對坐在她身邊的觀眾說。“實在對不起。我嘴裏嚼的一塊糖掉了。”
“一塊糖!”坐旁邊坐位上一位被她惹氣了的人不高興地說。“您幹麼不好好地坐著。您總肯定不會把糖揀起來再吃到嘴裏去吧?”
“當然不會，”老太太堅定地說。
“那為什麼找這個麻煩?”那不耐煩的人嘟噥說。
“因為……”老太太一邊繼續在黑暗中用手瞎摸，一邊說。“……因為我的(假)牙齒粘在那糖上啦!”
4 A Barking Dog Never Bites
A visitor from Japan went to see one of his American friends in the Los Angeles suburbs one day. When he came to the address, he found that it was a lovely white cottage surrounded by a fence.But as he reached the gate, he noticed a big sign in front of it,reading,“Beware of the dog.\" At almost the same time as he read this warning,he heard a growl, followed by ferocious barking,coming from behind the gate.Very much frightened,he backed away and started to run.
Just then a bystander, who had been watching him from a distance, called out to him:“Hey there! Donu0027t be so afraid. Thereu0027s really nothing to fear. You know the proverb,‘A barking dog never bites!’\"
“Sure,\" replied the terrified visitor.“Sure, I Know the proverb—and you know the proverb—but does the dog know the proverb?\"
大聲叫的狗從來不咬人
有一天，一位從日本來的客人到洛杉機市郊區去拜訪一位美國朋友。當他來到美國朋友的住址，他發現那是一座漂亮的白色小房子，周圍有個籬笆。可是他走進大門的時候，他注意到上麵有一塊大牌子，上麵寫著“當心(惡)犬”，幾乎就在看這個警告的時候，他聽到門後傳來咆哮聲和一聲凶猛的狗叫聲。他嚇壞了，嚇得直朝後退，準備拔腿就跑。
正在此刻，一位在遠處觀察他的旁觀者朝他喊到：“喂，喂，你別那麼擔心，實際上沒什麼可怕的。你知道俗話說：‘大聲叫的狗從來不咬人’!”
“是啊，是啊!這句俗話，我知道——你也知道——可是這隻狗是不是也知道呢?”
5 Can You Guess the Answer?
Two good friends, James and Bill,were having fun solving riddles.“I think I have a good one,\" said Bill suddenly.“Listen to this, and see if you can solve it.I bet you canu0027t.\"
“What is it?\" asked his friend James,“Well,here goes: A negro falls into the red sea. The question is: What is the inevitable result? The result must be absolutely inevitable.mind you.\"
“Mmmm...He drowns,\" said James quickly.
“But suppose he gets rescued,\" conntinued Bill.“Then he wouldnu0027t drown, would he?\"
“Er...He swims away,\" James guessed again.
“But suppose he canu0027t swim,\" Bill said.
“Then he gets rescued,\" James guessed the third time.
“No,no.Suppose thereu0027s no one to rescue him...\"
“He becomes red,\" James tried again.
“But the Red Sea isnu0027t really red, is it?\"
“Thatu0027s true...Oh, I give up,\" James sighed. “You tell me.\"
“The absolutely inevitable result? HE GETS WET!Right?\"
你能猜到答案嗎
兩個好朋友詹姆斯和比爾正在猜謎語。“我想我有個好謎語，”比爾突然說道。“你聽著，看能不能猜到答案。我敢打賭你猜不著。”
“是什麼?”他的朋友問道。
“啊，是這樣：一個黑人掉進紅海裏。問題是：什麼是不可避免的結果?這結果是絕對不可避免的，請你注意。”
“噢!他淹死了。”詹姆斯很快的回答說。
“可是，假設他被救上來了呢?”比爾接著說。“那他豈不是淹不死嗎?”
“啊，他遊泳離開了?”
“可是，他如果不會遊泳呢?”比爾說。
“那他是被人救上來了，”詹姆斯第三次猜著說。
“不，不。也許(根本)沒有人來救他呢?”
“他變紅了，”詹姆斯接著說。
“可是紅海並不是紅色的，不是嗎?”
“倒也是，哎，我放棄，”詹姆斯歎了一口氣說。“你告訴我吧。”
“絕對不可避免的結果是：他身上濕了!不是嗎?”
6 How Many Passengers Were There?
We are going to play a game.
First,you are the bus driver on a crowded bus, OK? Donu0027t forget.
I want you to count carefully the number of passengers that get on and off your bus so that you can check the number of tickets sold with the total amount of money collected. Pay attention now.
There are all together six stops on the way. The bus starts out with twenty-two passengers on board.At the first stop,three passengers get off and five get on.At the second stop,one gets on and nobody gets off.At the next stop,seven get off and two get on. At the fourth stop,no one gets on and no one gets off.At the fifth stop,one gets off and six get on.Then,at the last stop,two men get off and a couple followed by an old laby get on.Now,is everything clear? Do you need me to repeat?
No? OK, then.Answer my question: WHATu0027S THE NAME OF THE DRIVER?
當時一共有多少乘客?
我們來一個遊戲。
首先，你來當一輛擁擠的公共汽車的司機，好嗎?可別忘記，好嗎?可別忘記。
我要求你仔細數一數上下車乘客的人數，以便核對一下賣掉的車票和收進的錢的總數是否對得上。請注意嘍。
公共汽車路線上一共有六個站。汽車出發時，車上有二十二位乘客。到了第一站，下車的乘客有三位，上車的有五位。第二站，上車一位，無人下車。下一站，下車的有七位，上車的是兩位。第四站，無人上車或下車。第五站，下去一位，上來六位。於是，到了最後的第六站，下去兩位男士，又上來一對男女，後麵還跟著一位老太太。好，我都講清楚了吧?還需要我再講一遍嗎?
不用了?好，那麼——請回答我的問題：公共汽車司機的名字叫什麼?
7 Man in the Closet
A married woman is having an affair.Whenever her lover comes over,she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet,as well.
Inside the closet,the little boy says,“Itu0027s dark in here,isnu0027t it?\"
“Yes it is,\" the man replies.
“You wanna buy a baseball?\"
“No,thanks,\" the man replies.
“I think you do want to buy a baseball,\" the little extortionist continues.
“OK. How much?\" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
“Twenty-five dollars,\" the little boy replies.
“Twenty-five dollars?!\" the man repeats incredulously,but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week,the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again,places her lover in the closet with her little boy.“Itu0027s dark in here,isnu0027t it?\" the boy starts off.“Yes it is,\" replies the man.
“Wanna buy a baseball glove?\" the little boy asks.“OK. How much?\" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.“Fifty dollars.\" the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boyu0027s father says,“Hey,son.Go get your ball and glove and weu0027ll play some catch.\"
“I canu0027t. I sold them,\" replies the little boy.“How much did you get for them?\" asks the father,expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
“Seventy-five dollars,\" the little boy says.“Seventy-five dollars?! Thatu0027s thievery! Iu0027m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,\" the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church,the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down,and says,“Itu0027s dark in here,isnu0027t it?\"
“Donu0027t you start that shit in here now!\" the priest says.
櫥子裏的男人
一位已婚婦女有了外遇，每次她的情人來了，她就把9歲大的兒子關在櫥子裏頭。有一天，這位太太聽見車道有車子的聲音，就順手也把她的情人關進櫥子裏。
在櫥子裏頭，小男孩說：“這裏頭真暗。”“對啊!”這位男子回答。“想不想買個棒球啊?” 小男孩問道。“不，謝了。”男子回答說。“我認為你會想要買個棒球的。”這個小勒索鬼接著說。
男子衡量了一下自己的處境之後，回答說：“好吧!多少錢?”
“25塊!”’25塊!”男子驚訝地重複了一次，不過他還是收斂了一下，以免被發現。
接下來的那個星期，這位情人又來婦女家，不久又聽到車道有車子的聲音。婦女又一樣把兒子和情人一起關在櫥子裏。
“這裏頭真暗!”小男孩又開始了。
“對啊!”男子答道。“想不想買個棒球套啊?”小男孩問道。男子知道自己占下風，就回答說：“好吧!多少錢?”“50塊!”小?……
8 Aunt Billieu0027s Really Interesting Questions
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
If you eat your peas, will a kid in south America stop starving?
Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?
If I save the whales,where would I keep them?
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say,“No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?\" Why is that sign for? Is it for the dog,or the blind person?
比利阿姨的有趣問題
為什麼注射安樂死藥劑的針頭需要消毒?
如果你隻吃豆子，南非的小孩子們就不用挨餓了嗎?
為什麼將一切行駛緩慢的時間叫急速時段?
如果我救了黥魚，我要把它們養在哪裏?
有沒有人可以向我解釋這些標語是什麼意思，“除了導盲犬之外的動物不可以進入?”這是對誰說的?是對狗還是對人。
9 Who Cares
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sport car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down.Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse.
She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.When the farmer answers,she says to him,“Oh,itu0027s Sunday night and my car broke down! I donu0027t know what to do ! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?\"
“Well,\" drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I donu0027t want you messinu0027with my sons Jed and Luke.\" She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behing he farmer.She judges them to be in the early twenties.“Okay\", she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little borny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?\"
They say,“Huh?\" She says,“The only thing is, I donu0027t want to get pregnant,so you have to wear these rubbers.\" She puts them on the boys,and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth.Jed says,“Luke?\" Lake says,\"Yeah, Jed?\" Jed says,“You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?\"
“Yeah,\" says Luke, “I remember.\"
\"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?\" asks Jed.
“Nope,\" says Luke, “I reckon not\".
“Me, neither,\" says Jed,“Letu0027s take these things off.\"
誰在乎!
一位美麗的金發女郎正開著新的跑車，飛馳在鄉下的路上，結果車子拋錨了，幸好離拋錨地點不遠處有個農舍，她走上前去敲敲了那農舍的門。
農夫出來應門時，她說：“現在已是星期天晚上，我的車在這時候拋錨，我不知道該怎麼辦。不知能否在這過一夜，明天一早我就去請人來幫忙?”
“嗯。”農夫懶洋洋地說：“你可以在這過一夜，不過可別和我的兩個兒子傑和路亂來!”
她往門裏一瞧，真有兩個男子站在農夫的後頭，依她看來這兩個小夥子約二十出頭。“沒問題。”她答道。
等大夥兒都上床就寢後，金發女郎一直想著隔壁房間的那兩個小夥子，情欲稍動。所以她悄悄地走進他們的房間說：“小夥子呀!要不要讓我來開開你們的眼界，見見世麵啊?”
他們同聲答道：“啥?”她接著說：“隻有一個條件，我不想懷孕，所以你們得戴上這些橡皮。”金發女郎幫他們帶上之後，三個人整晚就沒停下來過。
40年後，傑和路正坐在前廊的搖椅上晃來晃去的。
傑說：“路?”路答：“什麼事，傑?”
傑說：“你還記不記得40年前，露宿一晚，還幫我們見世麵的那個金發女郎嗎?”
“是啊。”路回答：“我還記得。”
“你真的在乎她會懷孕嗎?”傑問道。
“不。”路答道：“我應該不在乎吧!”
“我也是。”傑說：“那咱們把這玩意兒拿下來吧!”
10 Another Choice
An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane.The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems.Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself.The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.He replied:“Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.\"
The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess saying: “Madam, I did not know there was a choice.\"
另一個選擇
有位上了年紀的老醫師搭飛機，鄰座是位長老會的牧師。基於某些技術上的問題，延緩了飛機起飛的時間。
起飛後，機長向乘客們致歉，並宣布馬上有免費的飲料招待各位旅客。當迷人的空服小姐推著手推車過來時，醫生向她要了一杯琴酒。
空服小姐接著問鄰座的牧師要不要喝點東西。他答道：“不，謝謝你，我寧願通奸，也不要喝酒。”
老醫生一聽，馬上把他的酒退還給空服小姐說：“小姐，我剛剛不知道還有另一個選擇。”
11 Which One to Marry?
There is a man who has three girlfriends,but he does not know which one to marry.So he decides to give each one $ 5000 and see how each of them spends it.The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.She gets new clothes,a new hairdo,manicure,pedicure, the works,and tells the man,“I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.\"
The second one goes out and buys new golf clubs,a CD player,a television,and a stereo and gives them to the man.She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.\" The third one takes the $ 5000 and invests it in the stock market,doubles her investment, returns the $ 5000 to the man and reinvests thd rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.\"
The man thinks long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decides to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
娶哪一位
有一位男子有三位女朋友，但他不知道要娶那一位才好。他決定給每位$5000，看她們如何花這筆錢。第一位將所有的錢都花在買衣服，發型設計，修指甲從間到尾煥然一新。她告訴她的愛人說：“我是如此愛你，我為了你將所有的錢花在妝扮自己上，讓自己更美麗。”
第二位為這男子買了高爾夫球證，CD音響，電視，及高級音響等。她說：“我是如此愛你，我將所有的錢都用來買禮物給你。”第三位將這$5000投資進股票市場，並得到雙倍的利潤，她將$5000還給愛人，又將剩下的$5000投資進股市。她說：“我是多麼愛你，為了你，我將我們餘下的錢為將來投資準備。”
經過長久的思考，這位男子考慮三位女朋友對$5000的用法，他終於做了決定，他決定要娶“胸脯最大”的女子。
12 A Letter from Mom
Dear Son,
Iu0027m writing this slow because I know you canu0027t read fast.We donu0027t live where we did when you first left.Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home,so we moved.
I wonu0027t be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldnu0027t have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine.The first day I put four shirts in,pulled the chain,and I havenu0027t seenu0027em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
About your sister,she had a baby this morning.I havenu0027t found out whether itu0027s a girl or a boy,so I donu0027t know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
We were going to send you money,but the envelope was already sealed.
媽媽來信
親愛的兒子：
我這封信寫得很慢因為我知道你不會看得很快。我們已經不住在你上次離開的地方。你爸爸每次看報紙時，報上的新聞都發生在20裏以外，所以我們搬了。