第二章
A Ransom Note
Anonymous note, dropped down a bunker ventilation shaft somewhere near Baghdad:
Dear Saddam, We have your Army. If you ever want to see it again, put $200 billion in small bills in a truck (several trucks, actually) and send them on the road to Basra. We will find them.
勒索信
一封匿名信被放進了巴格達附近的一個地堡壘通風口裏：
親愛的薩達姆，你的部隊現在我們的手上。如果你還想見到他們，就請將2 千億美元小麵額紙幣放入一隻箱子內（實際上，應該是幾支箱子），並把他們放到通往巴士拉的路上，我們會去取的。
A Rather Exclusive Warranty
I recently bought one of those large watertight camera cases. The thing is solid as a tank and is designed to be air-dropped in the jungle, etc. It comes with a lifetime warranty with the following proviso:
“This warranty excludes damage caused by shark-bite, bear attack, or children under 5.”
一份特殊的保單
最近我買了一個防水的大箱子用來裝照相機。這個箱子像坦克一樣的堅固，並且為從高空投入森林裏做了特別的設計，等等。這個箱子除了以下了情況以外可享受終身的保修：
保修內容中不含：鯊魚吞咬、 狗熊襲擊、5歲以下兒童造成的損害。
A Safe Bet
While a preacher was trying to raise money for his parish, he found out there was a great deal of money to be made in the horse racing business. To his dismay, he discovered at the horse auction that the prices of horses were too steep and all he could afford was a donkey, which he bought.
Determined to make money for his parish, he entered his donkey in a race and to everyone’s surprise finished third. The next day, the newspaper headline read:
PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS
The following week the preacher again entered the race and this time won! The newspaper headline read:
PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT
Annoyed by this kind of publicity, the preacher’s Bishop suggested that the preacher not continue this activity. The headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS
After reading the paper the Bishop demanded that the preacher get rid of the donkey. The preacher gave the donkey to a Nun in the local convent. The headlines read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
When he recovered from the shock, the Bishop ordered the nun to sell the donkey. When it was discovered that the Nun sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00 the headline read:
NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
無風險的賭注
一個牧師正在積極地為教區集資，他發現通過賽馬能賺很多的錢。可讓他沮喪的是拍賣會上馬的價格都高的驚人，他的錢隻夠買一頭驢。
於是他就讓自己的驢參加比賽來為教區賺一些錢。出乎意料的是，這頭驢獲得了第三名。第二天，報紙的頭條新聞寫道：
“牧師的驢，馬場做秀。”
第二周，牧師讓他的驢再披戰袍結果大獲全勝。頭條新聞寫到：
“牧師的驢力挫群馬，勇奪桂冠。”
由於這件事太過招搖，於是主教便禁止牧師參加比賽。報上又寫道，
“主教讓牧師的驢退出比賽。”
讀過這篇文章後，主教決定不再讓牧師養驢了。牧師就把這頭驢送給了修道院的修女。報紙上寫道：
“修女們有了城裏最棒的驢。”
主教得知此事很震怒，就讓修女們把這頭驢以10美元的價格賣給了一個農民。當得知修女以10美元的價格把驢賣給了一個農夫時，報紙上寫道：
“修女賣驢淨掙10美元。”
（注：Ass有“驢”的意思，也有“屁股”的意思）
A Smooth Talker
A few years ago, while riding home from school on my bicycle, I had a bit of a problem; a pedal broke, the shaft cut an artery in my leg, lots of blood, police, the ambulance, etc.
After they sewed me up at the hospital, I wanted to call my wife to come to pick me up. My problem was how to gently break it to her that I was in the hospital, so that she wouldn’t get worried. I knew how to do it, and the conversation went like this:
“Hi, Jackie, I’m a bit late today. I had a problem with my bicycle. Could you pick me up?”
“What happened?”
“My pedal broke.”
“Where are you?”
“Well, I cut my leg when it broke, and I decided to stop at the hospital to let a doctor look at it.” (Pretty good, eh. She wouldn’t get worried by that. I was congratulating myself on being so smooth, when I got caught with an unexpected question which I answered honestly.)
“Which hospital?”
“I don’t know, there weren’t any windows in the ambulance.”
巧妙的說法
幾年以前，我騎車從學校回家，途中遇到了些小麻煩：自行車腳踏板裂了，露出的腳踏板軸把我腿上的血管劃破了，流了很多血，警察、救護車都來了。
在醫院裏，他們為我縫好了傷口，這時我想打電話給我妻子讓他來接我。問題是我如何婉轉的告訴他我在醫院裏，還不能讓她擔心呢？我知道該如何做了，於是有了下麵這個對話：
“潔淇，我今天回家晚了，因為我的自行車壞了，你能來接我嗎？”
“車怎麼了？”
“腳踏板裂了。”
“你在哪呢？”
“噢，腳踏板把我的腳劃了一下，所以我到醫院來讓醫生檢查一下。”（一切順利，她一點都沒擔心，我正在暗自高興自己巧妙的說法，卻由於一個意外的提問而露出了破綻。）
“哪家醫院？”
“我沒注意，因為救護車裏沒有窗戶。”
電話那邊一陣驚慌，我後悔萬分。
A Three Legged Chicken!
John was driving his pickup down a country lane, when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He’s just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour. Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farmhouse. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has THREE legs.
He pulls to a stop in front of the farmhouse, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have 3 legs.
He says to the farmer, “THREE-legged chickens? That is astounding!”
The Farmer replies, “Yep, I bred them that way--I love drumsticks.”
John, “Well, tell me, how does a 3 legged chicken taste?”
Farmer, “I haven’t been able to catch one yet.”
三條腿的雞
約翰駕馭著自己的小貨車行駛在一條鄉間小路上，這時路上突然衝出了一隻雞，跑到了他的前麵。他剛要猛踩刹車，發現這隻雞以每小時30公裏的速度快速向前飛跑。太不可思議了，約翰加速緊隨其後，可那隻雞越跑越快，最後來了一個急轉彎拐進了一間農舍。約翰也隨之拐了進來，這時他才發現那隻雞有三條腿。
他把車停到農舍前，四下望了望，發現這裏所有的雞都有三條腿。
他對農夫說：“三條腿腳的雞，太神奇了！”
農夫答到：“是啊，他們都是我養的。因為我喜鼓槌形狀的東西。”
約翰又問到：“那，請問三條腿的雞味道如何呢？”
農夫說：“我從來沒捉住過他們。”
A Wise Child
A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window.
“Hey, kid, I’ve got candy in my car. Hop in and I’ll give it to you.”
“No. I’m not going to.” The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over again.
“Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I’ll give you all this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it?”