第三章
Skin Canoe
There were three guys traveling in Africa, a Frenchman, a Japanese, and an American. They are captured by a tribe of fierce headhunters. The witch doctor says to them, “We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some comfort in the fact that we don’t believe in waste here, and that therefore every part of your body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of your hair, we will render your bones for glue, and we will tan your skin and stretch it over wooden frames for canoes. Now we are going to allow you an honorable death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words before killing yourselves.”
The Japanese guy yells “Banzai!” and commits hari-kari.
The French guy yells “Vive la France!” and slits his throat.
Then the American guy takes the knife, pokes holes all over his body, and yells, “There’s your fucking canoe!”
人皮獨木舟
法國人、日本人、美國人一行三人到非洲旅行。他們被一群野蠻的獵頭部落捉住了。一個巫醫對他們說：“我們要殺掉你們，不過你們會感到一些欣慰，因為我們是不會浪費你們身體的任何部分的，它們會得到充分的利用。我們會用你們的頭發來編籃子；熬化你們的骨頭做成膠水；曬幹你們的皮，包在木框外麵做成獨木舟。你們可以選擇一種高尚的死法，我會提供你們一人一把刀，你們還可以發表一番就義演說。”
日本人大喊：“萬歲！”於是就切腹自盡了。
法國人大喊：“法國萬歲。”便割斷了喉嚨。
最後輪到美國人，他拿起刀， 在全身挖了很多小洞並喊：“我讓你做獨木舟！”
Car-sicles
My brother used to be a police officer in Chicago. He’s told me some amusing anecdotes from Chicago police-work.
There was one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car.
When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some- other car. He is, well, upset. What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.
One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, really well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized popsicle.
The note on the car read: “You want the space? Here, it’s yours until spring!”
車型的冰棒
我弟弟以前在芝加哥是一名警察 。他給我講了很多在那裏工作時發生的有趣的軼文。
有這麼一個關於在門前停車位鏟雪的故事，這是芝加哥警察每年冬天都會遇到的問題。事情是這樣的，某人若想把車停在家門口，就要先把車停在附近的停車場 ，然後花上一些時間把門前的雪清理出車子大小的空地，這樣才能把車從停車場開出來停在家門口。
有的時候，當他取完車回來，卻發現他的車位被別人占了，便會氣憤不已。通常人們會寫一張罵人的字條，把它放在那輛占別人地方的車的擋風玻璃上。有的時候，人們會用一些更為粗暴的方法來發泄自己的怒氣，如紮爆車胎或發生口角，這時就要找來警察了。
有一次，一個家夥很有獨創性。他沒有用常用的寫字條的方法，而是從自己的花園裏拿來了膠皮管，用水把汽車徹底地澆一遍（我的意思是從上到下，從裏到外）。水當然是結成了冰。當車主回來的時候，眼前的這輛車已不是自己的汽車了，而是一個汽車形狀的冰棒了。
車上還留了一個字條，上麵寫著：“你不是想要這個地方嗎？好，你就在這呆到春天吧！”
Cash vs. Credit
As seen on the sheet accompanying a new MasterCard:
VALUE YOUR CARD!
Your card should be protected in the same manner as you would handle cash. Make sure it is returned to you after each transaction.
現金與信用卡
有一種新型的萬事達信用卡，隨附了一張紙，上麵寫著這樣的話：
請愛護您的信用卡!
你應該像對待現金一樣，保護好您的信用卡。確保在每次使用完後拿回您的卡。
Chain Letter
Just received a chain e-mail on my account. After paging through the 25 screenfuls of mail header--it must have gone around the globe 6 times--I found the body of the mail:
“It is a violation of network regulations to initiate or propagate chain letters via e-mail. Anyone violating network regulations could be denied further access to the network. Please pass this important information to all your friends.” Some people do have a different sense of humor!
連環信
我的郵箱裏收到了一封連環的電子郵件。翻閱25頁後，屏幕上顯示出了信頭——這封信必須在全球循環傳發六次。信的正文是這樣的：
“用電子郵件發起並傳播連環信的行為是違反網絡規定的。凡違反網絡規定的人，將不再允許上網。請把這封重要的信傳給你的朋友們。”這些人的幽默真是與眾不同啊！
Changes in Perceptions
Back in the early 80s, I was the only systems programmer supporting a VM system, and I carried a beeper. I looked disreputable, as usual, and was attending a movie when, just before the climax, my beeper went off. I held it to my ear, and couldn’t understand the message, so I went out to call the message center (and never saw the end of the movie). The thing that stuck in my mind, though, was the woman two rows behind me who turned to her friend and said, in a loud, obnoxious voice, “Him, he’s a doctor?”
It is almost ten years later, and I again carry a beeper, and I still go to movies. I dread being beeped out of a movie, though. I can imagine the loud obnoxious voice from two rows back saying, “Him, he’s a drug dealer?”
感覺不同
在八十年代初，我還隻是一個維護VM係統的係統程序員。我腰掛BP機，看起來形象不佳。有一次像往常一樣，我去看電影，正當演到高潮的時候，我的BP 機響了。我把它舉到耳邊，還是不能明白那條信息，隻得出去給信息中心回電話（沒有看到電影的結局）。這件事給我留下了很深的印象。因為坐在我後兩排的一個女士轉向他的朋友，大聲且不耐煩的說：“那人是不是醫生呀？”
一轉又過了十年，我還身掛BP 機，又去看電影。我真擔心被BP 機吵得再次看不成。我都可以想象得出後兩排的人一定會大聲且不耐煩地說：“那人是不是販賣毒品的呀 ？”
A Genie Joke
One day an old Jewish pole, living in Warsaw, has his last light bulb burn out. To get a new one he’ll have to stand in line for two hours at the store (and they’ll probably be out by the time he gets there), so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil lamp he vaguely remembers seeing. He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk. He starts to polish it and a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
“Hoho, Mortal!” says the genie, stretching and yawning, “For releasing me I will grant you three wishes.”
The old man thinks for a moment, and says, “I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn’t want the place and march back home.”
“No sooner said than done!” thunders the genie. “Your second wish?”
“Ok. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn’t want the place and march back home.”
“Hmmm. Well, all right. Your third wish?”
“I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his --”
“Ok, ok, ok. Right. What’s this business about Genghis Khan marching to Poland and turning around again?”
The old man smiles. “He has to pass through Russia six times.”
一個妖怪的笑話
故事發生在華沙。一位猶太老人的最後一個燈泡燒掉了。要想得到一個新的燈泡，他就必須去排上兩個小時的長隊，而也許剛輪到他，燈泡就買完了。所以，老人隻得趕緊跑到閣樓上，憑著依稀的記憶去翻找那盞破舊的油燈。最後終於在一隻皮箱下發現了那個銅油燈。他擦掉上麵的灰塵，這時一個妖怪隨一股煙般飄了出來。
“老人家，你好啊！”妖怪邊伸懶腰邊打著哈欠說道：“為了感謝你解救了我，我將實現你的三個願望。”
老人想了想答道：“我想讓成吉思汗複活，再次統一蒙古各部落，然後大軍挺進波蘭邊界，最後他卻決定放棄，又回到了自己的地盤。”
“如你所說！”妖怪吼道。“第二個呢？”
“噢！我想讓成吉思汗複活，再次統一蒙古各部落，然後大軍挺進波蘭邊界，最後他卻決定放棄，又回到了自己的地盤”。
“好吧。第三個？”
“我要想讓成吉思汗複活…”
“停，停，停，你為什麼總是讓成吉思汗大軍挺進波蘭然後又回去呀？”
老人笑笑答道：“因為這樣他們就不得不往返共六次途經俄羅斯了。”
（注：俄羅斯在曆史上曾多次侵略波蘭。）
A Head for Numbers
In this particular branch of the Army’s officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security Number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers.
“Four-seven-seven-zero?” he asked.
“Here,” replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.
“Seven-zero-seven-five?” asked the instructor.
“Here,” repeated the student, gearing for trouble.
“I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier,” spoke the teacher.
“That’s right, sir,” answered our hero. “I have a nick-number.”
綽 號
在一個特種部隊軍官訓練營中，教官正在收回考試的試卷，所有的學員都在卷子上登記上了自己社會福利編號的後四位數字。就在這天清晨，教官按照這個號邊叫邊發卷子。
“4770”，他叫到。
“是”，一位陸軍中尉半夢半醒地答到。當他接過卷子時，才慌忙意識到自己拿錯了……
“7075”，軍官又接著叫到。
“是”，那個中尉將錯就錯地再次回答。
“你不是4770嗎？”教官驚訝地問道。
“對，”我們的英雄答到，“不過7075是我的綽號”。
Chocolate Ice Cream
A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.
“Sorry,” says the attendant, “we’re all out of chocolate ice cream.”
“In that case,” says the man, “I’ll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate.”
“I told you we don’t have any chocolate ice cream, buddy,” says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.
“OK, in that case,” says the man, “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”
“Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?”
“Van” he replies, “But what does that have to do with ice cream?”