My husband Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just 23)motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the 24)coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?
"You just don't believe in her," I accused.
"That's ridiculous," Jed said 25)scornfully. "Of course I do."
"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."
"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.
"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Everyone is special in their special own way," I 26)mimicked 27)sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way."
I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and 28)tactic I could think of.
Then, 29)out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly 30)came together—her right and left hands each doing their own 31)imperturbable thing—just like that.
Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it 32)tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was 33)beaming.
"Mommy, look—it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we 34)snuggled and hugged, 35)cracking each other up. When she performed The Little White Donkey at a 36)recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu."
Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the 37)flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.
I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to 38)reassure their children about how good they are 39)notwithstanding a 40)mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's 41)psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not 42)fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.
Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.